A small miracle.

Yesterday was payday. 

I sat at the dining room table with my little spreadsheets and calendar and added up all the upcoming expenses, as well as the bills that will hit. 

We had just enough to cover everything and finally fix our broken disposal. It conked out about 3 or 4 months ago and it’s been a huge pain, because the sink won’t drain properly without it. So it’s meant having to regularly stick your hand down a soggy cold greasy drain to pull out tiny bits of food that were clogging the very small hole. 

The idea of never having to do that again gets more and more attractive each passing week.

That’s when I realized – if we fixed the disposal, we wouldn’t have enough to also tithe. We have been trying very hard to tithe for the last year. Some months we can’t do it at all, but there has been a very intentional effort on our parts.

Our pastor gave an awesome homily about tithing, in which he encouraged everyone that even starting out with a committed 5%, if you couldn’t afford the full Biblical 10, was going to bless you.

We definitely can’t afford the 10% right now, but we figured out that 5% plus what we are spending per month for Catholic school, amounted to 10% of our income. And it’s still enough that it hurts! But not so much that it puts us in the red.

I sat there with my pencil and paper and felt really, really deflated. I did not want to give that money away and I did not feel generous. We need it! I thought. Anyone would agree we weren’t being extravagant by deciding to fix our broken disposal instead. 

At this point I had to wake up Becket from his nap and go pickup Henry from preschool. As I drove, I tried to pray. I was struggling with all sorts of ugly doubts. What if we spent our whole life on earth fighting so hard against our natures, only to die and find that Paschal’s wager was empty, that there was nothing else? Or what if we did find heaven and discovered all those things we thought were so important and sacrificed so much for on earth – marital chastity, obedience, detachment from money – really weren’t that big of a deal at all? 

I thought about all the sacrifices we are making right now for our children’s education, for the number of children we welcome into our family, and ultimately all for what we believe God is asking of us… what if they are all unnecessary? 

I found myself just making little acts of faith yesterday, cause I didn’t feel any faith let me tell you. The “Lord I believe, help my unbelief” prayer first breathed by St Thomas the Apostle in the upper room has helped me so much in my life, because I think it is such an honest prayer. So when even this prayer falls flat I know I’m having a bad time of it.

I gave myself some accountability by telling Jason we had just enough to tithe this month, and I did my best to put the disposal out of my head.  
So now comes the reason I’m sharing this whole long embarrassment story with you…

Last night I was cleaning up the kitchen with Jason, and I accidentally knocked the switch that turns on the disposal. Instead of making its usual broken rumble, it shot water up from the sink. Jason and I looked at each other. I ran over to it and fished around in the drain with my hand to feel if anything was different. I pulled out a distorted, bent up, hard tiny red thing which at first was indiscernible and then I realized was a red Lego light (the same type of piece that got lodged up Henry’s nose last year!) 

I threw it away and tentatively turned the disposal on again. 

You guys. 

IT WORKS.

Jason and I started laughing and I almost started crying. It is all so silly, I know, and probably anti-climactic or insignificant for anyone but myself and Jason – but gosh. Coming on the heels of a day of praying desperately because I’m feeling so rebellious in my heart but so wanting to believe in what Jesus has said in the Bible, trying so hard to obey what is asked of us when i don’t feel like it at all… this wasn’t just a small miracle to me; it was a loving Father telling me He’s there and He sees my struggling and He is the one who is taking care of us. 

That’s the whole point of tithing, I think. It’s to give the Lord a chance to remind us that He is the one who gives and takes away; that everything we have is His anyway. It’s acknowledging that we do not control the outcomes of our lives no matter how great we are at planning for the future. It’s thanking Him for providing and an act of trust that He won’t stop. 

My mom used to point out that when God talked about tithing in the Scripures, it is the one time He says to put what He says to the test: 

Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this,” says the LORD Almighty, “and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it.

– Malachi 3:9

I wanted to write this whole thing out because my mom says they’ve experienced many things like this over their own 30 years of commitedly tithing while raising a big family; and she said you so easily forget the details later when you wish you could remember to testify to His mercies. We called my mom and Dad last night to tell them what happened; they were sitting on the couch together having a little happy hour and they died laughing. God is so good, they said. 

When I have doubts about the point of everything we are working for right now… when I feel these nagging voices asking, “does it really matter?? How do you KNOW?” … I am so grateful for the witness of my mom and Dad. They have their regrets in life I’m sure; but giving what they have given to the Lord, with such a spirit of humble obedience, is not one of them. I can see the fruit of their generosity in their lives; I am a witness to their joy. 

You annoint my head with oil,
My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy will follow me
All the days of my life
And I will dwell in the house of my God 
Forever.
– Psalm 23

Ps: after going back and forth over the last few days… I’m leaving up my rant on MLM’s because I do wholeheartily believe it, and I have pretty thoroughly researched my own questions about these companies. But! That is just my opinion.

 I do really respect many of the women I know who don’t see MLMs with the same concern; I am convinced that they’re getting ripped off, but – there are so many things that matter more in life. I think it’s fruitful to share our opinions and I want to be an honest person when I have a strong opinion! But I want much more to be loving one. The only reason I don’t feel convicted to take down my little rant is because I meant every word when I said I wasn’t writing it at any particular person. [my friend Jenny made this point once and I thought it was so necessary to remember as a blogger or social media user – don’t write anything AT anyone!] But I honestly didn’t single anyone out in my head. It’s a problem I have with these companies, not with people. Hope it was clear! ❤️