Last Friday, Will and I rushed out to the car to meet Jason for our late afternoon OB appointment… to see our little Baby on the first ultrasound of this pregnancy, and to find out if we’re having a boy or a girl. (!)
I’m not sure that my face conveys the irresistible surges of excitement that were running through my body? Lol.
I felt as electrified as my highlighter pink shirt.
(which I got on sale at J.Crew, and am in loving with jeans and Jacks for this trimester’s non-matern outfit)
I have been on pins and needles this entire pregnancy waiting for this day, this late Friday afternoon.
Spring was in the air – it was a balmy 70 degrees, and sunny… and I was freaking out the whole pretty, dogwood-lined drive to the doctor.
Will babbled in the waiting room, Jason and I squeezed each other’s hands and caught the other’s ear-to-ear-grin every time we looked up…
Laying on that chair in the ultra-sound room, as the nurse looked for the signs of health and normal development, my heart beat incredibly faster.
I realized – as does every mama in that seat – that all that mattered was this little baby,
this sweet little wriggling bundle that ok, looks slightly like Skeletor,
all that matters was that he/she is healthy and strong. Not the he/she part.
I realized I would be so happy, so relieved with a healthy either!
“Everything is looking real good,” the nurse said reassuringly, after the breathless first minute.
“Take your time!” Jason said. “Check everything else before finding out the sex, we can totally wait.”
“Oh, I already know,” she said. “Just have to get a clear image for you.”
How was it possible she already knew, without even really looking for it yet? I thought. And then, Oh my gosh, I knew it…
My near future is full of precious little matching outfits
and bajillions of “beep-beeps”
and wild antics in the nursery that is now, officially, “the Boy’s Room”
…and my heart is so full.
I was walking on the clouds that entire evening. We ate dinner on the back patio and watched Will play happily in the yard. All I could think of was my sweet baby Henry in there –
every kick (which have been frequent and strong, despite the anterior placenta) makes me smile,
thinking of how tough he seems… how he will definitely be able to hold his own
with his intense older brother.
We get to use the name that Jason and I were thisclose to using for Will…
with its darling old-fashioned ring.
It makes me think of a quiet guy with kind eyes and gentle strength,
who opens the door for a lady, and carries himself with humble confidence.
I just feel so grateful to God. I woke up the next morning after the ultrasound, Saturday, at 5 am, and was so full of joy I couldn’t go back to sleep. I could only keep thinking about how,
way back in the Spring of last year,
before Jason and I had made the decision to start trying to have another baby,
I began to notice little boys in pairs everywhere. Little brothers.
And everytime I saw a pair of them – sitting in the grocery cart, side by side, playing at the park, talking in the double stroller – my heart leapt a little.
Despite my complete contentment with my little Will, I caught myself thinking,
“If I knew I’d have a boy next, I’d get pregnant this minute…”
and I would instantly feel ashamed because, I know making a baby is a cooperation with God.
I know its not a catalog order. And I do love little girls!
Its just – well – this was simply the inexplicable desire of my heart.
I grew up with two brothers right below me… they were 26 months apart, and have been inseparable ever since Chi was born.
The only times I ever remembered them truly fighting (and I can count these times on one hand) were usually when they were play-fighting and things got a little out-of-control, and somebody got hurt and then angry. It makes me chuckle to think of.
I am close to both of my brothers – but I have nothing on their closeness with each other. It’s just a unique, incomparable bond.
So I took this desire to God. It sounds cheesy, I know, but I prayed for Him to either change my heart or give us another little boy.
As the desire grew over the next few months, I felt undeniably that I couldn’t stand in the way of the possibility of Will having a best friend little brother – if that was indeed what God wanted to give Him.
This isn’t the easiest time to be having another baby… there are certainly reasons that we could have held off, and none of them are selfish or shallow. But both Jason and I had this huge desire to make the sacrifice… so we took a leap of faith.
Seeing Baby Henry on the sonogram screen… my heart welled up with tears of joy.
I feel like he has been in my heart,
he has been my greatest desire,
since last March. A full year ago.
God prepared my heart for him. He truly, truly did. And I am humbled and in awe at how God works with us as parents.
I am so grateful I was open to this little life that is growing and kicking inside of me.
We are only human. We make a million mistakes. But somehow, with all the distractions and
fretful anxieties and selfish stubbornness,
God is still able to speak to our hearts and prepare us for the blessings, the little persons, He has in store for us.
“For I know well the plans I have for you, says the Lord:
Plans for your welfare, and not for woe;
Plans to give you a future full of hope.”